Alpha to Omega
by mnemosyne23
Summary: Immediately post Serenity. The alphabet of hope, redemption, and loss. RiverJayne. CHAPTER 6 UPLOADED 012506
1. Book One, Chapter 1: A is for Aftermath

**TITLE:** Alpha to Omega: The Beginning and the End  
_**BOOK ONE: The Beginning**_  
_Chapter One: A is for Aftermath_  
**AUTHOR:** Mnemosyne 

**Disclaimer:** No son mios!  
**SUMMARY:** Immediately post-_Serenity_. The alphabet of hope, redemption, and loss. River/Jayne.  
**RATING:** R for the series, PG this chapter  
**SPOILERS:** Through the film, _Serenity_.  
**WARNINGS:** Eventual character death  
**PAIRING:** Rayne  
**NOTES:**  
Okay, I should SO be in bed right now. Instead, I'm typing. Why? Because they're addictive, that's why. Allow me to present my first ever _Firefly_ fic, and please keep in mind I'm writing this at one in the morning. I beg you, be gentle! This is the first chapter in a series that will be twenty-six chapters long – one for each letter of the alphabet -- broken into three "books." I'm still feeling out the characters, so it might be a bit rough going at first, but I'll settle in eventually. :) Enjoy!

* * *

A is for the aftermath, when the worlds somehow kept spinning and the universe expanding while _Serenity_ sailed through the black hollows of space, less one pilot and heaped to the rafters with an ocean of sorrow. River swam through the waves as they buffeted her left and right, and decided (not for the first time) that her name was apropos, as she spent so much of her life drenched in tears; some her own, some from others. It had gotten to the point now that she couldn't tell which was which anymore

She sought him out, a rock in rough seas, because his harbor was a quiet place, his solid bulk a beacon, there to save her from the rocks. At first he tried to chase her away, growling, barking, eventually threatening with the edge of his knife, but River wouldn't leave. Finally he abandoned the effort and let her be. So she sat at Jayne's feet on his bunkroom floor and stared up at him as he actively ignored her and continued to polish his guns.

"Gorram it, girl, why you gotta keep staring at me like that?" he asked one such morning, as she watched him take apart Vera for the sixth time in as many days. "Ain't you got nothin' better to do than eyeball a man like that?"

River watched his fingers deftly take the gun apart. "The girl is drifting in billows of grief," she supplied, resting her chin on his knee, feeling his heat soak into her skin. "She seeks a safe port in the storm."

"I thought you was past all that gobbledygook speak," he muttered, separating Vera's barrel into its component parts and setting about polishing them in due order.

"Relapse," she murmured.

"Ain't you got somethin' that can make you quit it?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, shut it then. A man can't think with you yammering all day like a chicken in the barnyard."

"You ask the girl a question, she answers in kind. To deny the answer is to negate the question, and therefore forfeit meaning and waste breath. You are a very stupid man sometimes, Jayne Cobb."

He started sputtering, obviously trying to think of a fitting rebuke, but she cut him off. "Teach me," she murmured.

That shut him up. "What?" he asked, clearly flustered by the sudden U-turn the conversation had taken. "Teach you what?"

"How not to feel."

"Say what now?"

Clambering onto her knees, River rested her hands on his thigh and gazed imploringly up into his face. "All sides it comes, crashing over the Riverboat and swamping her like a coracle in unfriendly water. Over and over, the tears in her head, they won't stop falling, they fill her with salt. The salt dries her out, turns her meat to tough jerky, and the water makes her slosh. She ripples when she walks. She is drowning in herself."

Jayne blinked at her. "What... the gorram hell... are you talking about?"

River moaned softly, then pushed up higher on her knees so they were nose to nose. "Everyone here is so sad," she whispered, as if sharing a deathly important secret. "It hurts the girl's head; hurts her heart. Hurts."

Jayne frowned at her. He was a man of simple views on complex subjects, and things like grieving weren't natural to his thought process. "Just... I dunno, ignore it," he ventured.

River shook her head. "Can't. Won't. No filter. No rice paper sliding wall."

"So what am I supposed to do? What, you want I should whack you over the head with something? I got an assortment can help with that kind of thing, if you want."

"No, many thanks. Please teach me not to feel."

"Look, I don't know what kind of addle-brained _go se_ you're spouting, but I ain't no teacher anyhows. So git if you ain't gonna start talking sense."

It was times like these when River wondered if she really was talking nonsense, or if Jayne was just too dense to understand the words coming out of her mouth. She decided to switch tacks. "Simon and Kaylee find comfort in each other," she murmured, her fingers flexing on his thigh. "Their sorrow is muted and pink. The others... their grief is a chisel. It hacks and it smacks and it chips the girl's thin soul away. Her soul is holey. A holey soul."

"Well then I guess you got a nice shiny ticket to the hereafter, now don't you?"

She ignored him. "So the girl, she tries to find a wall, a place to hide from the quaking and the breaking. She finds it made of steel and chrome, and it keeps the tide at bay." Slowly, her fingers walked up his thigh. She was aware of his eyes watching her as though she was liable to explode any second, maybe rip out his liver, maybe snap his neck. Very carefully, she brought her hand to rest on his arm, admiring the way his rugged, tanned skin looked so dark set against the pale white of her fingers.

"You do not rise and fall, Jayne Cobb," she murmured, her eyes wandering over him as though he were some new, undiscovered species she had come to document. "Your emotions stay steady as a rock in rough water. The girl is unsteady, and liable to fall." Here, she raised her eyes to find his and fixed him with a stare like a laser beam. "She would appreciate your input on how to stay standing when all factors point that she should succumb."

Jayne stared back for a minute, and she admired his ability to watch her, unflinching. "What you're saying," he ground out after a good minute and a half, "is that everyone bein' so sad that Wash is dead and all, and the Shepherd... It's drownin' you a bit. Am I right?"

She nodded once.

"And you think I can tell you how to not drown. Yeah?"

Another nod.

"What makes you think that?"

She cocked her head. "Because you do not feel as they do. You do not feel."

Jayne frowned again. His disassembled gun lay forgotten on his rumpled mattress. "What makes you think I don't feel?"

"I read minds, remember?"

"Yeah, but you read anythin' else?"

"Minds are plenty."

"Bullshit. All minds do is get you killed from thinkin' too much. I don't trust 'em. You want to know what's really what, you try readin' someone's heart, then you come back and talk to me about feeling things."

She cocked her head the opposite direction, appraising him from a new angle. "Do you feel, Jayne Cobb?" she murmured.

Jayne shrugged uncomfortably, suddenly aware of how much he'd almost come to revealing. "No more'n the next guy," he grumbled, turning back to his gun and beginning to polish the handle.

River stared at him, trying to pierce through the perennial swirls of black and acid yellow which pervaded the immediate space around him. No luck. "I believe you," she murmured after a moment, watching the maelstrom swirl through his aura. The yellow bands of color that shot through the black were spiking like exponential growth on a geometric chart. She recognized now they were emotion.

"Well goodie good, ain't I just pleased as punch."

"I believe you feel, yet do not show it. I would like to learn this, please. I would be a stone, too, please."

Jayne sighed and put down his gun. She watched as he raised his hands to his face and wearily rubbed the palms over his eyes. "Little girl," he muttered eventually, allowing his hands to fall as he stared at her. "You don't know what in the 'verse you're talking about, get me? It ain't right, this talk about... _feelings_ and what all." His face hardened and he sat up straight. "Yeah, 'sides," he added, turning resolutely back to Vera, "what you talkin' at me for. I don't even like you. Don't care 'bout your problems – got enough of my own."

River whimpered softly as he directed his attention steadfastly away from her. She could feel _Serenity's_ sorrow weighing down on her like a ship's anchor, and she moved closer to his side, trying to soak in the black and yellow halo of his aura. "Hurts..." she whispered again, pressing her face into his arm. Tears pooled between them like tiny tide pools. "Hurts so much..."

For a moment there was nothing. Then, very slowly, she felt the hollow empty spirit of the ship sink away as he turned his attention once more in her direction. "Hey now," he said uncomfortably. "Don't go cryin'. Your brother's gonna think I done hit you or something."

She turned tear-filled eyes up to him. "Help me?" she whimpered. Then, near begging: "_Please?_"

Jayne stared at her for a minute. Then, very slowly, he laid his hands on her shoulders, holding her out at arm's length so he could look at her full on.

"You listen to me, little girl," he said. "This ain't what you want, you get me? You got too many things flying around in that head of yours. You block that off, you're liable to blow your brains out from everything stampeding around with no way to get out. You're soft in the head, right?" He chuffed her lightly on the side of the head. "That there's the big difference 'tween you and me. Cause we both kill, just you got a soft head, and I got a hard one. Hard headed, mean old sumbitch, that's me." He squeezed her shoulders. "And what's right for hard-headed, mean old sumbitches ain't what's right for little girls, you understand? You gotta keep feeling this stuff, cuz if you don't, you're going to go crazy." He paused, then added, "Well, more'n usual."

River sniffled and stared up at him. "But it hurts," she reiterated tearfully.

"I know it does. It's supposed to."

"You don't hurt."

"This ain't about me. 'Sabout you."

"Help me?"

He sighed. "Look, you can hide out here if you want, till it blows over. And it'll blow over eventually." He sat back in his chair, releasing her shoulders and picking up a piece of his gun again; he didn't seem to care which one, as he toyed with it absently with no real purpose. "Always does."

River sniffled, watching him quietly for a few seconds. Then, very slowly, she slid down to her side on the floor and curled herself around his feet, hugging his ankles and seating herself firmly in the corona of his aura. The weeping of the ship was silent here, and all she heard was him.

"There now," he said, and she could feel him moving about and going back to his guns. "Ain't that just a whole lot better?"

"Yes," she murmured, sniffling. "It is."

**TBC...**


	2. Book One, Chapter 2: B is for Breakfast

**TITLE:** Alpha to Omega: The Beginning and the End  
_**BOOK ONE: The Beginning**_  
_Chapter Two: B is for Breakfast_  
**AUTHOR:** Mnemosyne 

**Disclaimer:** No son mios!  
**SUMMARY:** Immediately post-_Serenity_. The alphabet of hope, redemption, and loss. River/Jayne.  
**RATING:** R for the series, PG this chapter  
**SPOILERS:** Through the film, _Serenity_.  
**WARNINGS:** Eventual character death  
**PAIRING:** Rayne  
**NOTES:**  
I'm usually not this quick with my updates, but I was naughty and wrote this at work today so I'd have it ready to post tonight. Enjoy:) And thank you so much to all who have been so kind in their reviews so far – it's very much appreciated!

* * *

B is for breakfast the next morning, which was when the rest of the crew found out about their arrangement. It wasn't anything special, really, that breakfast; just pancakes, synthetic syrup, and a fundamental shift in universal truths as Jayne was forced to sit beside River and _didn't seem to mind_; at least, not at first. They were last to the table, which was odd in and of itself because Jayne always managed to be first to the feeding trough, except on those occasions when he was flat on his back with a hangover. On days like that, he was occasionally second.

"You feeling all right, Jayne?" Kaylee asked with curious concern as the hulking mercenary came into the room. Then, "Oh! River!" as the man took a seat at the communal table, revealing the slender girl standing behind him. "Didn't see you there!"

"Fine, Kaylee, just busy this morning is all. Gorammit, girl, sit!" Jayne snapped over his shoulder at River, who was still hovering behind him. "Bad enough you made me late for food with all your moanin' and carryin' on. Now you're making my shoulder blades itch, and when I start to itch there I'm liable to start shooting things."

River obediently took the seat beside him, pressing up close against his arm and laying her head on his shoulder. Jayne tried to shrug her off a couple of times to no avail, then gave up and dug into the heaping plate of pancakes Zoe had placed in front of him. The others stared at them, their own breakfast forgotten in the face of this new and slightly disturbing development.

"Um, Jayne?" Mal inquired after a few seconds of silence, broken only by the earthy sound of Jayne shoveling forkfuls of food into his face.

"Cap'n?" the mercenary responded around a mouthful.

"You got anything you feel like tellin' us?"

"Nope."

"You sure 'bout that?"

"Yep."

"I only ask because you appear to have a seventeen year-old girl attached to your hip what wasn't there yesterday mornin', nor yesterday night as I recollect."

"Better not have been there yesterday night," Simon snapped. He'd been staring at his sister in abject horror since she first appeared behind Jayne, and this was the first sensible thing he'd been able to say. Most logical thought had gone out the window when Jayne accused River of _"moanin' and carryin' on."_ "Just what the _hell_ are you doing with my sister, you pea-brained man ape!"

The table fell silent again; the kind of silence where the sound of a pin dropping would have been swallowed up by the collective silence of a bunch of people trying very hard to pretend they hadn't heard anything at all.

Jayne looked up from his breakfast and glared at the irate doctor. "I ain't doin' nothin' with her, Doc," he growled menacingly, fork hovering over his pancakes. "Case you didn't notice, she's the one won't get off me no matter what I try. I reckon that means you oughta be asking her what her gorram problem is, not me. Me, I ain't got no problem, less you want to make one."

The space between them could have been used to cool gas giants into planets. "River," Simon said, voice frosty with disdain as he refused to take his eyes away from Jayne. The mercenary sneered at him. "What are you doing with the mean, ugly gorilla?"

In the midst of all this, River had been idly picking bits of pancake off Jayne's plate, nibbling on them like a bird with seeds. Jayne noticed this and slapped her hand away, giving her a proprietorial glare and turning his back enough that he could move his plate out of her reach, shielding the remnants of his breakfast with his arm. She seemed unfazed. "Not a gorilla," she observed, leaning on Jayne's back and peering over his shoulder at the rapidly dwindling heap of pancakes. "A wall."

"Fine then. What are you doing with the mean, ugly wall?"

"Support."

"What?"

"Support."

"I heard you the first time, _mei mei_. Support for you or him?"

"Look, would the pair of you just quit yer yammering until I've finished my breakfast and can get the hell away from you?" Jayne snapped. River took the opportunity to sneak her hand under his arm and steal another sliver of pancake from his plate. "Hey now, cut it out! That there's mine! Get your own! No wonder you're skinny as a rail, you li'l vulture."

"Not a vulture. Butterfly. Butteflys dance, vultures digest."

"Sure, whatever. Shut up and don't eat my food."

"I can still kill you with my brain."

"Yeah, well I'm liable to give you a swift kick in the head if you keep eatin' what ain't yours."

"Jayne!" Kaylee rebuked sharply, glancing nervously at Simon, who was turning a new shade of puce. "That ain't no way to talk! And at the breakfast table no less!"

"What?" the mercenary asked, affronted. "What'd I say? I ain't the one started with the threatenin'. That was her!" He pointed over his shoulder at River with his fork. "She went on and said she could kill me with her brain. You all heard her! Don't see none of you jumpin' on her back like a pack of hungry jackals 'cause of it. Don't see why I oughta get jumped on for threatenin' when I ain't the one with them assassinatory whatsits programmed into my head like what she's got."

"Are you saying my sister's a threat?" Simon snarled.

"Um, gosh, lemme think about this, YES."

"She is in complete control of her abilities now that the Miranda memories have been purged! You know that as well as everyone else!"

"Yeah? Well if that's so then why don't you go on and ask her what she needs a gorram wall for, huh? Ah, forget this." He stood up, jogging River back slightly and picking up his plate. "I'm gonna go eat in my room. Least there I don't gotta listen to you all whinin' at me."

They watched him go, River especially as she focused on his back with a piercing intensity he didn't seem to feel.

"Meatheaded clod," Simon muttered angrily, picking testily at his food. "Doesn't know anything about anything."

"Now I'm sure he didn't mean nothing by any of that, Simon," Kaylee reassured the doctor, rubbing his back soothingly.

"You do realize you're talking about Jayne, Kaylee, don't you?" Mal asked.

"Maybe one of us ought to have a talk with him, sir," Zoe observed.

"What about exactly?"

"Not sure, sir. Just a talk in a general. General talking points is what I mean."

"Things like _Don't walk on the grass_ and _Don't insult the Tams?_ That sort of thing?"

"In a nutshell, sir."

"Couldn't hurt, I s'pose."

Just then, they were interrupted by a soft whimper. All eyes turned in River's direction, and were shocked to see she was crying, eyes still fixed on the door where Jayne had disappeared. "River, honey?" Kaylee asked softly, reaching across the table towards the girl; River shied away before she could be touched. "You all right, sweetheart?"

"Hurts," River whispered.

"What hurts?" Simon asked, concerned.

"Just hurts."

"Come on, I'll take you to the Inf-" He didn't get to finish his comment, as with a flutter of chiffon, River leaped up from the table and darted for the door, disappearing into the dark corridor beyond.

"Well now, ain't that just a turn-up," Mal observed wryly.

Simon went to follow his sister, but a calming hand on his arm stopped him. "Let her go," Inara said with a comforting smile. She had remained silent during the proceedings, choosing instead to sit back, observe, and listen; Companions understood the importance of listening. "She'll be all right. He won't hurt her."

"He's a brute, Inara," Simon argued.

"He's just a man, Simon," she corrected him. "And for all his gruff exterior – and I'll admit, most of his interior – there's still a part of him that took that bullet in Mr. Universe's complex because it was the right thing to do. He'll look after your sister. And with all respect, Simon, I think she can take care of herself without your intervention."

Simon sat slowly, albeit unwillingly. "I just wish she'd tell me what's wrong," he said softly.

Kaylee wrapped her arm around his waist and laid her head on his shoulder. "Now you can't go expecting things like that, Simple Simon," she told him with a gentle smile. "Don't you know a girl's gotta have herself some secrets? Else where's the fun in anything?"

----------------------------------

She found him in his bunk, angrily sopping up the last of his syrup with one final, forlorn piece of pancake. "You went away," she said, hovering just inside the doorway.

Jayne threw her an angry glare. "Yeah, I did. And that weren't your cue to come looking for me neither."

River drifted further into the room. "Things got loud when you left."

"Yeah, well, I 'spect I'll have Mal or Zoe givin' me an earful 'bout all this 'fore the day is out."

"I didn't mean their voices." Slowly, River sank to her knees beside the bed, arms limp at her sides, and rested her cheek on the mattress. She watched as a golden drip of syrup spilled over the edge of the plate onto his thumb.

"Ain't my problem," he muttered sullenly, though it didn't hold his usual rancor, and he didn't demand she leave.

After a minute, he asked, "You awake?"

Then a minute later, "You start sleepin' in here, you're gonna get us both in a heap o' trouble."

Then, "Hello?"

"You think I'm a threat," she murmured dreamily, silently calculating how long it would take for the syrup on his thumb to congeal.

"You bet your most valuable organs I do, girl." She almost smiled as he brought his thumb to his mouth and insolently sucked the syrup away.

"Good," she said, closing her eyes and relaxing in the yellow and black waves of his aura. "You should. The others always forget."

_TBC..._


	3. Book One, Chapter 3: C is for Conversati

**TITLE:** Alpha to Omega: The Beginning and the End  
_**BOOK ONE: The Beginning**_  
_Chapter Three: C is for Conversation_  
**AUTHOR:** Mnemosyne 

**Disclaimer:** No son mios!  
**SUMMARY:** Immediately post-_Serenity_. The alphabet of hope, redemption, and loss. River/Jayne.  
**RATING:** R for the series, PG-13 this chapter  
**SPOILERS:** Through the film, _Serenity_.  
**WARNINGS:** Eventual character death  
**PAIRING:** Rayne  
**NOTES:**  
Sorry this took so long, folks! I've been exhausted the past couple of days and didn't get a chance to type this out. I hope it's worth the wait!

* * *

C is for conversation, specifically the one Jayne was studiously trying to avoid. He knew Mal and Zoe were looking for him – could hear them clattering around as they searched his usual haunts – and he wasn't much in the mood for dealing with whatever they had to say. Likely they'd accuse him of getting too close to River; Mal'd bring up the whole Ariel fiasco (again), and he'd be stuck scrubbing floor grates with a toothbrush , just like he'd done that time he put the dead rat in Kaylee's bunk for a laugh. Well, he'd thought it was funny. It was everyone else who didn't have a sense of humor.

Today he'd holed up in a little nook at the back of the cargo hold with a few of his favorite knives and a whetstone. River was stretched out on her belly by his feet, chin propped on her hand as she watched him methodically drag the edge of each blade across the stone. Now and then she'd echo the _shrip!_ sound the metal made as he honed each edge to razor sharpness. Even Jayne couldn't deny it was comically homespun, the girl on the floor as he reclined on a crate with his back against the wall. He kept expecting to see his Ma appear with a steaming dish of her famous Cod Pie Casserole.

They found him eventually, of course, because _Serenity_ wasn't the biggest boat in the universe. Jayne was expecting the sour look on Mal's face, and the mildly disapproving one from Zoe, but he wasn't expecting the soft growl that came from the girl stretched out on the floor. He wondered if they'd heard her.

"You just stay there," he muttered to River as he watched the captain and first mate approach. "You go nutters on me and we're both screwed, get it? They're liable to think I egged you on or somethin', and I ain't lookin' to get tossed out an airlock or grounded on the next asteroid we come to cuz of you."

"I am defending your honor."

"Crazy girl, I don't need you defendin' my nothin'."

"Yes you do."

"Shut it."

"Mornin', Jayne," Mal said with deceptive cheeriness, breaking into the conversation as he and Zoe came to a stop in front of the pair of them. Jayne watched Zoe's eyes flick from River to him to Mal's face in the span of three seconds. The two of them seemed to share a moment of mutual understanding, concluding with a slight nod from Mal to his second in command.

"Gorammit, cut that out," Jayne snapped irritably, resheathing his current knife. "I hate it when you talk all silent-like."

"Quiet chatter keeps bugs at bay," River mused from her position on the floor, where she was studiously examining Mal's boots.

"Mornin' to you, too, River," the captain said, nodding down to the girl before fixing his gaze once more on Jayne's face. "Thought we could have a little chat, Jayne."

"I figgered that was what you was thinkin', Mal."

"Did I think wrong?"

"Do you think at all?" This from River, who was now toying with Mal's laces. Jayne snorted.

"River, why don't you run along and find somethin' else to occupy your time whiles me and Zoe have a little talk with Jayne?" Mal suggested, ignoring her comment.

"No."

That took the captain back a bit. "Um... Please?"

"No. I don't wish to. The conversation involves this girl, and so she should be present at the conversation."

"Now, River, this don't concern you."

"I am not a general talking point?"

The way Zoe's shoulders stiffened told Jayne that the girl had hit a nerve. "Oh, just git, girl," he muttered, exclamating the point by jabbing her in the hip with the toe of his boot. "I reckon I got a good idea what this is about and it'd go a helluva lot faster without you hangin' around and gettin' in the way."

"I do not get in the way."

"Look, just make yourself useful and go get me some o' that polish outta my bunk. You know the one I mean."

"Green cap."

"Green cap."

Slowly, sinuous as her name, River lifted herself to her feet. Casting a suspicious glance to Mal and Zoe, she turned and left the cargo bay, using the same dreamlike walk that always seemed to haunt her footsteps. When she was gone, Jayne turned his attention back to Mal and Zoe. "So talk."

"Can't help noticin' your relationship with that girl's gotten a mite friendlier of late, Jayne," Mal responded, leaping into the meat of the subject with his typical sideways brand of blunt. "Care to explain that?"

"Nothin' to explain. She just started hangin' around me like a, wassit called? One o' them fluttery bird things. Real tiny."

"A hummingbird?" Zoe ventured, typically deadpan.

"Yeah, that's the one. Like a hummin'bird."

"And you don't mind?"

"At first yeah, but she's a right sight useful to have about. You saw that; just sent her off to get that polish and she weren't none the worse for it. Figure with that brain o' hers, next time we're at Persephone or one o' them pleasure planets, she can help me win at the track."

"So what you're sayin' is you're friendlier with her because you can get her to do stuff for you," Mal observed.

"Shiny."

"Right. So what other kinds of things you got her doin', Jayne?"

It took a moment for Jayne to process the words and tone of that sentence, but when he did, his eyes narrowed. "Say what now?"

"Captain asked a very straightforward question," Zoe supplied, wrists crossed behind her back, stance relaxed yet somehow rigid. "What other duties or chores do you have River performing for you?"

Jayne rose slowly to his feet. "You know, I don't think I like the direction this here conversation's goin'," he growled.

"You know, I don't reckon I care," Mal snapped back. "Answer the gorram question."

"So's you can twist my answer again?"

"I don't hazard I've twisted your answers to start with."

"Implyin' I'd get trim offa that bit of frippy? What in the blue hell kinda man you think I am, Mal?"

"A man who likes the ladies, Jayne. All shapes and sizes."

"Right there you're wrong, Mal. I like a little meat on my women; somethin' to grab onto. That little girl ain't nothin' but a bottle brush. If I was gonna take a ride on the River, I'd want there to be somethin' to dip my paddle into. You get me?"

"If you never say anything like that again, Jayne, I think it'd still be too soon," Zoe said.

"Just cuz it ain't nice don't mean it ain't true," Jayne defended angrily. "I ain't never claimed to be a saint, Mal, but I ain't no baby raper neither."

"No one's sayin' you are, Jayne," Mal said calmly.

"Like hell you ain't! _Ta ma de_, Mal, why don't you just come right out and call me a gorram Reaver!"

Dead silence fell in the cargo bay. Jayne resisted the urge to wince as Zoe fixed him with an utterly calm, completely devastated stare, then turned on her heel and walked away. The sound of her footsteps echoed off the hull.

Jayne waited until she'd gone to flinch. "_Ta ma de_..." he muttered, running a hand through his short hair. "Mal, you know – I mean, Zoe knows I didn't mean to men-"

"Listen to me," Mal cut him off, voice level as he drew closer to the taller man. Jayne obediently shut the hell up. "I ain't got no reason to believe you're doin' right by that girl, but nor do I have reason to believe you're doin' wrong by her. All's I can see is that she trusts you, though I'll be a buggered son of a whore if I can figure out why. But the girl's got a brain bigger'n _Serenity_, and she's been doin' a damn sight better this past week. We all noticed it, and I've gotta believe it's got somethin' to do with you. So's I'm gonna go out on a limb and trust you, too. But you listen, and you listen hard." The already steely tone of Mal's voice took on a harder edge, like a dagger morphing into a bayonet. "I find out you laid one hand on that girl, that you done her wrong in any way... I find out anythin' like that, and you're gonna find yourself singin' soprano on the farthest backwater planet I can find, close as stink to the fringes of the Deep Black. Understood?"

Jayne nodded sharply. "Shiny, Cap'n."

"That girl's got a brother worries about her night and day, Jayne. Don't you go givin' him somethin' else to worry about on top of all else."

"Won't."

"See you don't." Stepping back, Mal gave Jayne a cursory once over. "I was you, I'd stay away from Zoe a few days."

Jayne nodded miserably. "Yeah."

Mal nodded, satisfied, then turned and strode from the cargo bay.

Jayne slumped back onto his crate and buried his head in his hands, muttering every Mandarin curse he could think of and inventing a few he'd never heard before. Gorramit, why'd the _feng le_ girl have to go and attach herself to his hip like she had? And why'd he let her hang around? Hadn't he learned his lesson after Ariel? Nothing good ever came of fraternizing with the Tams. Not a gorram thing. It was one of those fundamental rules he lived by, but he'd gone and broken it, and now here he was, one wrong step away from the noose.

Something cold against his arm made him look up, to find River standing over him, tapping the small tin of polish against his arm. "Green cap," she said with an eerily vacant smile.

Jayne took the tin from her hand, noticing for the first time how small her hand was compared to his. How could someone so tiny screw his life all to hell so easily? "Yeah, right," he muttered distractedly, looking away.

Silence hung between them for several minutes, during which time Jayne didn't look up from his concerted study of his boots. He half hoped, when he _did_ choose to look up, that she'd be gone. It was a small hope, but he clung to it.

It was shattered a minute later when she spoke. "They made you bleed," she murmured.

Jayne looked up sharply. "What?" he snapped, looking down at himself, wondering if Mal had managed to knife him without his noticing. "Where?"

"They take bits and pieces of you away," she continued, as if he hadn't spoken. Her eyes were disconcertingly clear as she swept them up and down his body; Jayne thought he knew now what it must be like to be one of those butterflies pinned to bits of cardboard. "Make you less than what you should be; make the lion into a mouse. They release the bad humors, only they take the good humors, too, and now there's no ice cream at the seashore."

He blinked at her. "You're crazy," he said, for lack of anything better.

She nodded. "I know."

"Why the hell'd you have to go and suction onto me like one o' them sucker fish?" he asked, suddenly desperate. "Why couldn't you've just stuck with your brother? Let 'im stick you with drugs to keep them voices in your head from driving you more batshit. Everythin'd be a whole lot simpler if you'd just done that!"

"I know."

"And cut it out with that all-knowing, all-seeing _shi_, get me? I ain't interested, and I don't think it's special. It's just plain wacko. Just like you. You're just plain wacko."

River tilted her head, regarding him with a distant gaze. He hated it when she looked at him that way. It always felt like she was staring right through his head and seeing every secret he'd ever kept hidden away. "You're going to tell me to leave," she murmured, as if she was reading from a script. "Then you're going to tell yourself it's okay, and I'm just a nutjob little girl. Then you're going to forget me."

Jayne stood up sharply. "I said quit it!" he snarled, leaning down near her face. River blinked at his proximity and quickly backed away when she saw his eyes. "Don't you ever listen, girl?" he continued, pursuing her until he had her crowded back against a stack of crates. She stared up at him, wide brown eyes almost black in the shadowy light of the cargo bay. "I said I ain't interested! And I don't want you tellin' me what I'm gonna do! Nobody tells me what I'm gonna do 'less I'm gettin' paid!"

She blinked up at him. "I have no money," she murmured.

"Well that ain't my problem," he growled. "And unless you can rub together some coinage, you ain't my problem either. I'm not puttin' my neck out there for you 'less I'm gettin' somethin' back from it, you hear me?"

She continued to stare up at him, as if seeing him for the first time. There was a look of something that might have been glazed awe, or possibly raw horror, in her eyes, and it put Jayne's teeth on edge. "What?" he snapped. "Stop eyeing me like that!"

She nodded slowly. "I understand," she said quietly. He expected her to slip away from him and scurry from the cargo bay, but instead she did something that took him completely by surprise.

She put her hand on his shoulder and pulled him closer.

"What the-" he stammered in shock as he felt her slight frame press along his body.

"Something in return," she said, and there was no dreamy quality to her voice. This was River the Statistician; the Epidemiologist; the one who saw the facts as they were and drew logical conclusions. "I have no money and I am not a thief, yet you need reimbursement. So I give you what I have."

"Girl-"

"Yes. That is what I have. I am a girl." And as if to impress that point upon him, she ran her hands down his chest.

Jayne shivered and for a moment his mind went utterly blank. Gorram, it had been a long time since he'd gotten any trim. Not since before the whole Miranda fiasco. He could feel his body responding to her warmth, the rainwater scent of her hair...

_...You're gonna find yourself singin' soprano on the farthest backwater planet I can find..._

His eyes flew open, and he suddenly realized once again exactly where he was and who was touching him. "Gah!" he exclaimed, jumping backwards, away from her small, nimble hands. "Girl, what're you doing! You tryin' to get me kicked off this boat?"

She looked like a ghost; a pale white girl backed by slate gray crates. "I am trying to give you what you want," she said, eyes beseeching.

"I don't want that!"

"Yes you do."

"No I don't!"

"You do. I see it."

"Get out of my head! And I don't care what you're seeing, it ain't right. I ain't never thought like that about you, and I like my John Thomas enough to know it ain't healthy to start!"

"I see better than you." River pushed away from the crates and took a step toward him. Jayne hastily took another step back. "I see the things in your head that you don't see yet yourself."

"Get out!" he growled, pointing angrily towards the exit. "Go on! I shoulda known 'fore we even started this that you was gonna do something gonna get me in trouble, but I went and fell for it anyway. And now you're tryin' to make things even worse by pulling things outta my head that ain't even there! What're you gonna do, get me naked then go runnin' to your brother to cry foul? That it? That your plan, crazy girl? Still sore 'bout Ariel and you wanna get rid o' me?" The hurt that flashed across her face would have made him check his words if she had been anyone else, but Mal's stony face and chilly voice was still clear in his mind. "Go on, get out! And I don't want you comin' back neither. Just leave me the hell alone!"

"The voices-" she began, but he cut her off.

"I don't give a flyin' hump 'bout your gorram voices! You're already crazy as a Mudder in a mine field. Far as I can tell, you ain't gonna get much worse!"

For a moment, she just stared at him. Jayne stared back, defiantly he thought, and refused to let the sudden absence of all feeling in her eyes affect him.

Then, very slowly, she closed the distance that separated them. Jayne tried to back away but found himself falling backwards as his knees bumped into the crate he'd been sitting on earlier, and he sprawled out into a sitting position. By the time he got his limbs straightened out, River was there, hovering over him like some kind of demonic angel, dark eyes oddly hollow as she looked down into his face. Leaning sharply forward, she pressed their cheeks together so her lips were right near his ear. Jayne tried to pull away, but she anticipated the movement and moved with him.

"Mouse," she whispered, and her breath chilled the back of his neck and sent goosebumps down his spine.

She didn't wait for him to respond. Pushing away, she backed toward the exit, and now her eyes weren't hollow anymore. They were filled to the brim, overflowing with tears, and they streamed down her cheeks like waterfalls. Like rivers.

"Mouse," she repeated, croaking hoarsely, still backing away. "A mouse too afraid to be a man. A mouse afraid of _being_ a man. Cheep, cheep, little mouse. Cheep, cheep in your dark, filthy hole. I hope the voices get you, too!"

Then she spun on her heel, dark hair furling out behind her like a curtain, and fled.

Jayne stared after her for a minute, unmoving, unsure how to classify what the hell had just happened. She was gone, which could only be a good thing. But on the other hand, she hadn't sounded too happy with him, and having a lunatic girl holding a grudge against him didn't sound good for his health.

Still, if he had to choose between the phantom threat of pain at the hands of a ninety-pound girl, or the certainty of pain at the hands of his vagabond captain, he'd take the former in a heartbeat. Besides, he was prepared now. He'd just mind his step and keep out of River's way till she'd calmed down a bit.

The tin of polish she'd gotten for him was on the floor at his feet. Jayne bent forward and picked it up. There was a dent in the lid from where he'd stepped on it. He stared at it, felt the weight of it in his hands, saw the tears on her cheeks clear as day, and threw the tin as far across the room as he could manage. He heard it clang against the far wall before clattering to the floor and rolling away into a corner.

"Crazy girl," he muttered, and tried to believe he didn't care that it was true.

_TBC..._


	4. Book One, Chapter 4: D is for Dreams

**TITLE:** Alpha to Omega: The Beginning and the End  
_**BOOK ONE: The Beginning**_  
_Chapter Four: D is for Dreams_  
**AUTHOR:** Mnemosyne 

**Disclaimer:** No son mios!  
**SUMMARY:** Immediately post-_Serenity_. The alphabet of hope, redemption, and loss. River/Jayne.  
**RATING:** R for the series, R this chapter  
**SPOILERS:** Through the film, _Serenity_.  
**WARNINGS:** Eventual character death. **This chapter contains some gruesome imagery. Please be warned!**  
**PAIRING:** Rayne  
**NOTES:**  
This chapter gave me all kinds of problems. I knew what I wanted it to be, but it refused to cooperate. Then it finally came to me all in a rush, and I typed it out fast as can be believed. I hope it was worth the wait!

* * *

D is for the dreams.

_"Hey, Little River," Wash said, sitting on the edge of her bed and dripping blood on her sheets from the hole in his chest. She could see the opposite wall through his backbone. "How're you doing?" _

"Wash, you're obviously scaring the poor child," Shepard Book chided, stepping out of her closet as though it were the door to another room. Blood coated his teeth. "The least you could do is wear a new shirt."

"You could brush your teeth."

"River, honey, everything's okay," Shepard said, crouching by the bed and holding her hand. "I know things seem bad now, but they'll get better."

"Yeah, though I don't think I'm ever going to shake this heartburn," Wash joked.

"That was uncalled for, Hoban."

"Really? So I guess the one about needing this like a hole in the heart is going a bit far?"

"River, sweetheart," the Shepard continued, ignoring the blond pilot's quip, "All you have to do is fight and they'll go away."

"Yeah, just make sure you fight hard or they're gonna get you," Wash concurred, nodding.

"Who?" River asked, finally able to make her voice function, though it sounded faraway and cracked.

"Them," Book said, nodding at the wall behind her shoulder.

She turned, and the Reavers grabbed her.

"Didn't we just tell her to fight?" Wash asked, shaking his head as River was dragged through the wall, screaming. Hands tore at her clothes and pulled at her hair as she flung out her hands to try and fend them off. "Honestly, kids these days. They never listen."

----------------------------

"RIVER! River, CALM DOWN!"

Jayne could hear the screaming all the way in his bunk. His first impulse was to leap up out of bed and run to see what the hell was going on. _Not my problem_, a vicious little voice spoke up at the back of his mind. _The Doc can handle his loony sister._

Growling, Jayne flipped onto his other side and pulled the pillow over his head.

----------------------------------------

_The room Zoe sat in was utterly black. It wasn't even really a room; more like a hole in space. Presumably she was sitting on some kind of chair, but if so it was as black as its surroundings and therefore invisible. _

The other woman's back was to her as River made her way across the solid landscape of utter dark. "Zoe?" she asked, reaching out a tentative hand in the woman's direction.

"Do you know how to do this, River?" the second in command asked over her shoulder. She was doing something out of sight, her arms flexing as though she were squeezing an orange in front of her body. "I can't seem to get it quite right."

River knew how to do a lot of things, and what she didn't know she learned. Maybe if she helped the older woman, all this black would go away and she'd be in sunlight again. "I can try," she said, her footsteps gaining a bit more purpose "What is it?"

"I don't think I have the right tools," Zoe said, which wasn't really an answer. "I need something bigger."

"What are you doing, Zoe?" River persisted, wishing the woman would turn around and face her. She was beginning to feel queasy. Something here wasn't right.

"It's just, Wash always wanted us to have coordinating wardrobes. He thought it would be funny to see me in a Hawaiian shirt." She chuckled. "I told him only if I got to see him in a bra."

"Zoe, please!" River was pleading now. Running the last few steps, she grabbed the woman's shoulder and spun her around.

And screamed.

"What do you think?" Zoe asked. "You know all about knives. Do I need to use something bigger?"

The other woman's front was drenched in blood, a paring knife buried in her chest. She'd been sawing in a circle, methodically carving a hole in her chest; slicing out her own heart. River could see the organ pumping just beneath the surface.

"It's okay, honey," Zoe assured the terrified girl, reaching up to pat her cheek with a blood-soaked hand. "I don't need it anymore. You can have it if you want, only make sure to take care of it and give it somewhere warm to sleep. Oh, and don't let them have it. They already took Wash's. I don't want them taking this one."

River spun around, and the Reavers grabbed her.

"Can I borrow your butcher's knife!" Zoe called after her, as River thrashed in the Reavers' arms. She felt someone spread her legs, felt teeth dig into her thigh, and she screamed again.

--------------------------------

"I can't get her to calm down!"

Jayne had by now piled his pillow, his blanket, and his discarded clothes on his head in an effort to block out River's screaming. Nothing seemed to work. Hell, either all the sundries were amplifying her voice or she was screaming _louder_. He didn't know how that was possible, since she already sounded like a steam whistle.

"Doc, you gotta shut her up!" That was Mal's voice. The men were having to shout to be heard over River's hysterics.

"I've tried! I can't hold her still long enough to inject the sedative!"

_Ta ma de_, Jayne thought angrily. He knew where this was going.

"JAYNE!"

Yep. That'd be the place.

--------------------------------------

_The common room was ablaze with a thousand candles as the _Serenity_ crew toasted Simon and Kaylee's wedding. "To the happy couple!" Mal proclaimed, raising his glass of fizzing champagne. The toast was echoed by the rest of the crew, as the blushing groom wrapped an arm around his beaming bride's waist. _

"Cake!" Kaylee chirped. "Time for cake!"

Everyone laughed as they made their way to the table, which was laid out with all the priciest goodies imaginable. "Nothing but the best for our little Kaylee," Mal said with a wink, as he grabbed the silver lid of the serving dish that housed the wedding cake. "Tada!"

He whipped the lid away.

"Oooh, it's perfect!" Kaylee exclaimed, clapping her hands. "How'd y'all know I wanted a River cake?"

"Weren't much of a guess," Jayne said with a shrug. "Figgered you'd want to get rid of her so you and the Doc there can have a decent honeymoon without his crazy cowbrained sister hangin' around."

River screamed around her gag of strawberries, but it only came out as a moan. She strained against the cords of caramel that bound her to the serving platter, watching in terror as Inara held up a knife. "Bride gets the first slice!" the Companion said merrily.

"Ooooh, can I have her fingers?" Kaylee asked, eyes wide and hopeful. "I been sayin' for years, _Ain't River got the prettiest fingers?_"

"Of course you can, Kaylee," Simon said, dropping a kiss on his giggling wife's lips. Taking the knife from Inara, he calmly sliced off the fingers on River's right hand.

River howled through her gag and arched away from the table. No one noticed.

"Oooh, thank you," Kaylee cooed, taking the plate her husband handed her. "Look! Strawberry filling!"

"Who's next?" Mal asked. "Doc, you're the lucky groom. What's your pleasure?"

"You know, I think I'd rather like her brain," Simon said thoughtfully. "So many years of fascinating study shouldn't go to waste."

"That'll take a bit of cutting. Zoe, you wanna do that?" The second in command nodded and moved forward. No paring knife this time; her hands held a long, wicked butcher's blade. "While Zo's doin' that, Jayne, you want to pick your bit?"

Jayne shrugged; River could just make him out through her veil of tears as Zoe began to cut. "Nah, not hungry."

"Jayne's not hungry?" Inara said, impressed.

"Not fer River cake," Jayne said.

"Not even between her legs?" Mal asked, arching an eyebrow. "Come on, Jayne, it's a celebration!"

Before the mercenary could answer, there was a knock on the door that led to the engine room. "Whoops! Forgot!" Kaylee said, putting down her plate and scampering to the door. "More guests!"

She opened the door.

The Reavers streamed in, howling.

"Help yourselves to River cake!" Kaylee called out cheerfully as the Reavers swarmed around the table. "There's plenty for everyone!"

River sobbed and screamed helplessly as the ravening Reavers descended. No one seemed to notice. No one seemed to care.

"This is the best wedding ever," Kaylee sighed, leaning against her husband's chest.

"Absolutely," Simon agreed, and grinned as she fed him River's pinkie.

--------------------------------

Jayne slammed open the door to River's room. "What's she carryin' on fer!" he barked, storming into the room. "Shut her-!"

He stopped. And stared.

River was covered in blood. Long, deep scratches covered her arms, legs and torso where she'd clawed herself in her sleep. The only thing keeping her from doing more damage was Kaylee holding the girl's hands – barely able to keep hold through River's thrashing -- and Zoe sitting on her legs. Mal had his hands on the girl's hips, trying to keep her down. "Jayne, gorrammit, come and keep her still so Doc can give her a shot!" the captain snapped.

Jayne stared for a second longer, then blinked and shook his head to clear it. With a sharp nod he moved towards the bed and swept Kaylee aside. Grabbing River's wrists in one hand, he yanked her into a sitting position so he could slide behind her and hold her tight against his chest with the other arm. She keened and squirmed against him, letting out another ear-piercing howl as he stretched her arms out straight so Simon had access to her veins. "Shut up!" Jayne barked in her ear. "Y'hear me? _Feng le_ girl, shut up! Ain't no one gonna hurt you!"

She didn't wake up, but to everyone's considerable shock she stopped struggling. Jayne glared at them each in turn, before fixing his stare on her brother. "You gonna dope her, Doc, or I gotta sit here all night?" the mercenary growled.

Simon blinked, then shook himself and nodded, all clinical efficiency once more. Moving quickly, he swabbed a spot on his sister's arm, then applied the injector. River jerked a little in Jayne's arms at the sting as the sedative whooshed into her bloodstream. Then she went still.

All eyes were focused on Jayne, and he shifted uncomfortably. "What?"

Oddly enough, Kaylee was the first to speak. "How'd you do that?" she asked, awestruck.

"Do what?"

"Gorrammit, Jayne, you know damn well what," Mal said, though his frustration was tempered by weariness. "How'd you make her quit her thrashin'?"

Jayne was suddenly vividly aware of the small girl wrapped in his arms. Her smooth arms were wet with blood beneath his hands. "Cuz I ain't you," he muttered, shifting again, but this time using the movement to move her into what he thought was a more comfortable position. Didn't look right, the way her head was all cricked sideways like that.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Simon asked, though he didn't sound angry so much as confused.

"I ain't you!" Jayne snapped again, glaring at the doctor. "I ain't none of you!" His eyes raked the room at large. "Wearin' your emotions on your gorram sleeves. Ain't you got the sense your mommas gave you?" He pulled River into his lap, as much to get her out from under Zoe as to show the room who he was talking about. "She's a gorram _READER_. Got a brain like a sieve. Can't keep none of it out, and y'all been screamin' at her since Mr. Universe."

"We haven't-"

"In her HEAD, dipshit," Jayne growled, glaring at Simon before the doctor could finish his thought. "Why you think she keeps hangin' around me, huh? Cuz I don't go spewin' all this emotional _go se_ like some kind o' godforsaken geyser. Keeps her head quiet."

"We didn't... I mean, I never..." Kaylee stammered, tears in her eyes.

Jayne sighed. "You think she blames you?" he said, wondering when in hell he'd become some kind of psychiactitrist, or whatever the gorram word was. "Hell no. She knows this stuff's gotta happen. She just don't want it happenin' to her. Easy as makin' mud pies." A vindictive lick of flame lit up in his stomach. "Course, now that I been told good and proper I ain't to go near her, guess I'd better get goin'." He moved to stand up.

"Sit down, Jayne." It was Mal's voice, though he sounded tired.

"Why?" Jayne asked petulantly.

"Gorrammit, Jayne, I said SIT DOWN!" The captain pushed himself to his feet and turned to glare at the mercenary.

Jayne sat down.

"I ain't gonna say I understand a half of what's goin' on in this room right now," the captain said, keeping his voice admirably level. "That'd be a lie. What I do know is the girl's quiet, which means everyone can sleep. Know what that means? That means you get guard duty, Jayne." He laughed mirthlessly. "Christ on the cross, I never thought I'd be puttin' you two together 'cept when you'd gone and torn each other apart, but here we are. Can't fight facts. Doc, you got a problem with this?"

Simon was staring at his sister, who virtually disappeared in Jayne's arms. "I... oh." He shook his head vaguely. "No. No, I... I suppose not. If it helps her..."

"Good," Mal said firmly, before the doctor could change his mind. "Jayne, you stay here tonight. We'll think about tomorrow come morning. Till then, everyone get some gorram sleep. 'Cept you, doc."

"Hmm?"

Mal nodded to River again. "See to your sister," he said softly.

Jayne watched the rest of the crew file out of the room, as Simon knelt beside the bed. The doctor took some gauze from his medical pack and began dabbing at the wounds on his sister's arms. "I don't understand any of this," Simon murmured as he cleaned away the blood. "I hope you realize how... hard that is for me to say."

"You and me both, doc," Jayne muttered, trying to ignore the way River's warmth was seeping through his t-shirt. "You and me both."

-------------------------

_She was sitting on a cloud. "Am I dead?" she asked. _

"Gorram, I hope not." Smiling, River watched as Jayne strode towards her across empty air. He seemed to be making a concerted effort not_ to look down. "That'd mean I'm dead, too, and I ain't fixin' to die anytime soon." _

"This would appear to be heaven," River pointed out, looking out across the mounds and valleys of cloud and blue sky that stretched away on all sides.

"Don't believe in heaven," Jayne muttered, sitting beside her.

"Don't want to," River corrected him.

"Huh?"

"No heaven means conversely no hell." She smiled at him. "You are afraid of hell."

Jayne shifted uncomfortably. "Shut it," he said, without conviction. Then, "Why'm I here? Ain't this your head?"

"Yes."

"Lemme out. Nothin' here to do."

"You can keep me company." She reached out to cover his large hand with her smaller one. "Please? It's so lonely here with no one else."

"How come you ain't talkin' crazy?" Jayne asked suspiciously.

River thought for a moment, then smiled again. "Because I'm not crazy here," she told him simply.

"Oh, sure. Makes sense. Whatever." He didn't sound like he believed a word of it.

River closed her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder. She felt him stiffen then relax. "Thank you," she murmured, as wisps of cloud tickled the soles of her feet.

"For what?"

"For staying," she whispered, and squeezed his hand.

A second passed, then he squeezed back.

**_TBC..._**


	5. Book One, Chapter 5: E is for Eighteen

**TITLE:** Alpha to Omega: The Beginning and the End  
_**BOOK ONE: The Beginning**_  
_Chapter Five: E is for Eighteen_  
**AUTHOR:** Mnemosyne 

**Disclaimer:** No son mios!  
**SUMMARY:** Immediately post-_Serenity_. The alphabet of hope, redemption, and loss. River/Jayne.  
**RATING:** R for the series, PG-13 this chapter  
**SPOILERS:** Through the film, _Serenity_.  
**NOTES:**  
This is a bit of a lighter chapter compared to the past. I want this story to cover the gamut of emotional range, and this is the perfect opportunity to inject a bit of levity into the parade. :D I hope you enjoy

* * *

E is for eighteen, the number of candles on River's birthday cake three weeks later as everyone crowded into the common room to celebrate. The atmosphere was far more festive than was necessary, as if Jayne's snarled comments from weeks earlier about everyone's dark mood affecting River's sanity had hit the close-knit crew hard in the gut, and now they wanted to make up for it. It seemed to be working, as River laughed and smiled and clapped her hands at each new surprise. There was a triple-decker cake from Kaylee, and a new silk dress from Inara; a pair of expensive looking new boots from Mal, and a delicate golden necklace from Simon, with the letter R worked in fine gold filigree inside a heart-shaped pendant.

Zoe's gift had the whole crew close to tears. It was a simple package on the outside, but when River tugged open the tissue paper inside, she revealed a box full of plastic dinosaurs.

"Every time I look at them, I remember he's not here," the older woman said, in a voice that betrayed no emotion. It didn't need to; her eyes said it all. "I'm sorry, River, if I've hurt you. I never wanted that to happen." She gave the girl a small smile. "Wash wouldn't want it, either. He'd say I shouldn't distract the pilot."

River's eyes were shining as she carefully folded the tissue back into the box, turned to the second-in command, and folded the woman in a huge, fierce hug. "He's not gone," she whispered, voice hoarse with tears. "He's here. Everywhere here. He dances with me sometimes, when the night is too dark. I like it, even when he steps on my feet."

Zoe laughed; a short, staccato burst of breath. "He wasn't the most graceful dancer," she admitted, hugging the slender girl in return.

That just left Jayne. He shifted uncomfortably as everyone's eyes turned in his direction. "What?" he grumbled. "I spend every waking minute with the gorram girl. That's gift enough, ain't it?"

"Jayne," Kaylee chided gently, poking him in the shin with her boot. "It's her birthday. Eighteen and all. You gotta give her something."

"Yeah, and the gift of your company ain't necessarily a gift, if you catch my meaning," Mal said.

Jayne glowered at the captain, and crossed his arms over his stomach, slouching in his chair. "Well I don't got anything to give her," he grumbled. Then, as an afterthought, he waved a hand at River. "Sorry."

River's answering smile was so completely unexpected, it made Jayne even _more_ uncomfortable. "Dibsies!" she crowed, leaping up from her seat and scampering around the table to stand at his elbow.

Jayne glared up at her. "Dibsies?" he said. "The hell does that mean, girl?"

"What I ask for, you must give."

"Oh, hell no." Jayne sat up straighter, shaking his head and looking at the rest of the crew for backup. "Jayne don't play that kind of game, girl."

"Aw, come on, Jayne," Kaylee said, beaming. "You owe her!"

"I don't owe her nothin'!"

"I reckon you do, Jayne," Mal mused from his place at the head of the table. He was grinning. Jayne wanted to punch his teeth in.

"It's only fair, Jayne," Inara added in her mild, soothing, gorram frustrating way.

"She's gonna go and ask for Vera or somethin'!" he exclaimed, near panic.

"No she won't," Simon said. "You won't ask for any weapons, will you, River?"

River shook her head. She hadn't taken her eyes off Jayne since this whole thing had started. "No touching guns," she said.

"That's right," Mal said. "Now since you don't own much more'n guns and your whorin' shirt, Jayne, and she can't have the first and won't want the second, I suggest you see what the little albatross is after afore you go on complainin'."

Jayne glowered at the table in general, then turned his attention back to River. "Fine," he said. "Whaddaya want?"

"A kiss."

That set a series of things in motion.

The first was an exclamation of revulsion and disgust from Simon, whose look of abject horror was so hilarious Jayne couldn't help but grin.

The second was everyone else around the table leaping into a maelstrom of reasons why a kiss was _not_ a good idea.

"Now, little albatross, that ain't what I thought-"

"River, maybe you should think first-"

"Honey, Jayne's a grown man-"

"Oh, River... sweetie, maybe you oughta listen to your brother-"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

River ignored them all as she smiled dreamily at Jayne. "A kiss, Jayne," she repeated.

Jayne shifted in his seat, his momentary thrill at causing Simon trauma quickly fading. "What're you on about, Crazy," he muttered, trying to move away from her.

She followed, doggedly staying by his shoulder. "He watches her sleep," she said. "The princess in her enchanted tower. It is the prerogative of the warrior prince to kiss the girl and awaken her."

"There will be NO _awakening_ of any kind between that ape and my sister!" Simon proclaimed.

"Thanks, Doc, I think I got that," Jayne growled, glaring at the doctor across the table before turning his eyes back in River's direction. "Girl, you're crazier'n a bagful of rabbits, you know that? Ain't no way I'm kissin' you, so jus' think up somethin' else."

"No. Kiss."

"Gorrammit, _feng le_ girl, I said NO."

"I am owed a gift of my choosing. I choose this."

Everyone else had fallen silent by now, obviously aware that River wasn't paying any attention to them. Simon was still sputtering with incoherent rage; Kaylee had a hand on his shoulder, simultaneously soothing and holding him down.

"Why you gotta go and do this?" Jayne barked, feeling like the walls were closing in on him. "You know it ain't right. Don't care if you're of age and all now, it still ain't right!"

"I am not asking for sex." Simon let out a choked wail at that. "I am asking for a kiss."

"Kisses ain't like sex," Jayne muttered.

"They are less messy." Another groan from Simon.

"Don't matter. They's more..." Jayne struggled to find the word.

"Intimate?" River supplied.

Jayne glared at her. "Don't go finishin' my sentences."

"Why not? You weren't."

"Listen, smart aleck crazy girl, I don't kiss women, and I sure as hell don't kiss loony moonbrain little girls who weigh less than I spit. _Dong ma?_"

"I weigh more than you spit."

"Mebbe by an ounce."

"You are a cheater."

Jayne felt his mood darken further. "Hey now, I ain't no cheater."

"You owe me a gift, yet you refuse payment." She gave him a disapproving glare. "I am disappointed in you."

Jayne sat up straighter. "Don't go tryin' to guilt me into this, girl," he growled. "Only woman's ever been able to do that's my momma, and she ain't here."

"I will write her a letter, telling her that her son has been a very bad boy. "

"Like hell you will."

"Cheater, cheater, couldn't beat her, had to run and call for teacher."

"Shut it!"

"Liar, liar, pants on fire, got tangled in his liar wire."

"Gorrammit!" Jayne stood up, towering over her with all the animalistic fury he could gather. "You want a kiss? Huh? That it? I'll kiss ya. I'll kiss ya, you little witch!"

Fisting his hand in her hair, he bent down and mashed his lips against hers.

That set a series of things in motion.

The first was a strangled cry of revulsion and disgust from Simon, but that was expected and Jayne ignored it.

The second was River's hand coming up to cup his cheek. It was such a gentle touch compared to the ferocity of the kiss that it took Jayne aback. He almost pulled away, but quick as a dart her hand flew to the back of his head, holding him in place as her small, inexperienced mouth suddenly took over the kiss, and now _she_ was kissing _him_.

Gorram...

Either she was the quickest study in the history of kissing ? a possibility ? or she'd been researching the subject ? another possibility ? because the things she was doing with her tongue had his head in a whirl. Her lips were immeasurably soft, like something out of storybooks, and she tasted a bit like mint. He found himself opening his mouth wider, trying to taste a bit more of her, dipping his tongue into her mouth to see if her teeth tasted the same as her lips...

The sound of someone clearing their throat brought the world crashing back down on Jayne's shoulders. "You two 'bout finished?" Mal asked drily. "Cuz some of us have a powerful urge to keep down our lunch."

With a superhuman effort Jayne dragged himself away from River's mouth, stumbling backwards in his rush to get away. River didn't move, just let her eyes drift open to watch him, a dreamy smile on her kiss-swollen lips.

"Cock-a-doodle-doo," she murmured. "Time to wake up."

Jayne stared at her.

Then, fast as lightning, the moment was broken. River twirled around to face the rest of the table, who all looked as shocked as Jayne himself. "Who wants cake!" she crowed.

_Only if it tastes like mint_, Jayne found himself thinking, and quickly stomped the thought into the ground before she could hear.

**TBC...**


	6. Book One, Chapter 6: F is for Fallout

**TITLE:** Alpha to Omega: The Beginning and the End  
**_BOOK ONE: The Beginning_**  
_Chapter Six: F is for Fallout_  
**AUTHOR:** Mnemosyne

**Disclaimer:** No son mios!  
**SUMMARY:** Immediately post-_Serenity_. The alphabet of hope, redemption, and loss. River/Jayne.  
**RATING:** R for the series, PG-13 this chapter  
**SPOILERS:** Through the film, _Serenity_.  
**NOTES:**  
HAH! I bet you all thought I'd forgotten this story, didn't you? ;) Trust me, it was never far from my thoughts! Everything was so crazy for the last few months of 2005 that I decided to hold off and get back into it with the New Year; so here you go! I hope you enjoy!

* * *

F is for the fallout, and there was plenty of that to go around. Seemed Jayne couldn't go anywhere over the next week without getting the hairy eyeball from someone. Simon looked ready to murder him in his sleep. Even Kaylee would bite her lip and find something to keep her busy whenever he came around. Jayne was beginning to feel like a gorram leper.

River offered to get him a bell. He didn't think that was very funny.

It was getting harder to sleep in the girl's room. BK – Before the Kiss – he'd been able to stretch out in the hammock Kaylee'd strung up for him, close his eyes, and drift off to dreamland before the count of three. Sure, sometimes he'd wake up when the girl got to muttering in her sleep, or when she'd get up to pad around at some godforsaken time of night, but he'd always be back to sleep in a matter of heartbeats. Jayne was a man who enjoyed the pleasures of life, and one of them pleasures was a good night's sleep.

That was BK. Now it was PK – Post Kiss – and the whole gorram 'verse was conspiring against him to ruin his sleep.

He could hear her breathing now. How come he'd never had to hear her breathing before? These days he tucked into bed, cozied down under the blankets, and couldn't fall asleep because she was breathing like a gorram freight train. Not even snoring; just... breathing. Soft and wispy, like bits of cloud. And that right there was disturbing, because if he'd never paid attention to her breathing before, he sure as _hell_ hadn't ever gone and tried to describe it.

Then there was the smell. No bones about it, the girl smelled. He wouldn't have minded if she smelled normal: soap, cotton, a bit of sweat. But no, the confounded girl had to go and smell like motherhumpin' _peaches_. **_Peaches!_** How the hell were it possible for a girl in the Black – a former 'fugie no less – to smell like peaches? What, did she rub them behind her ears every morning? And where in the 'verse did she _buy_ the stuff? Last Jayne had checked, the girl didn't have any cash, except what Mal and Simon gave her for pocket money, and he'd never seen her buy a gorram thing. Sure, maybe she'd snuck a crate of the things onboard without him noticing, but Kaylee had a nose for fruit that rivaled his own for guns, and he hadn't seen the chirpy engineer snacking on no peaches lately. So, no peaches. That's what the doctor'd call logic.

"Ah, _go se_," Jayne muttered, flipping onto his side and pounding his pillow with an angry fist before flopping back down and trying to get comfortable. He was thinking too much, and thinking too much only made it that much harder to stop thinking. A mercenary didn't have the luxury of doing a whole hell of a lot of thinking; tended to get a man killed. So all this... well, _thinking_ was getting a mite tiresome.

The hammock swung back and forth and Jayne tried to let the motion rock him to sleep. It wasn't working. He'd always been a man who could fall asleep anywhere, anytime, but now the smell of fruit and the girl's soft breathing were keeping him wide awake. How'd that happen? Gorram the 'verse all to hell.

Hang on... Breathing.

Where the hell was the girl's breathing?

Rolling onto his back to get a better view of the bed, he nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw River standing right next to his hammock, staring down at him with dark, unblinking eyes.

"_Wo de ma_, girl!" he exclaimed, hand leaping up to press over his pounding heart. He glared at her. "Don't go sneakin' up on a man like that! 'Specially not when he's sleepin', and 'specially not when that man's me! Liable to put my fist through your head and no mistake!"

"You weren't sleeping."

"Don't matter none! I mighta been! Then you'd have had yourself a nice faceful o' Jayne fist." He pushed into a sitting position, which was an awkward procedure given the flimsy nature of the hammock. By the time he got his limbs straightened out he felt he'd lost most of the upperhand in the conversation, and stabbed a meaningful finger in her direction, just to make a point. "Don't do it again!" he snapped, face set in a fiercesome scowl. Not perhaps the most original advice, but it fit, so he used it.

This was one of those times when it would have been nice if she'd responded like she was supposed to. Maybe look a little scared, maybe cower back a little; something to make Jayne feel like he really was a big, bad mercenary with powerful intimidation skills. Instead, her face remained infuriatingly placid, without so much as a flinch.

Then she did something he hadn't expected at all. She raised her hand – a delicate little thing that curled like a lily – and artfully laced her fingers with his.

"They are going to take you away," she murmured.

Jayne stared in slack-jawed disbelief at their joined hands. Nobody'd held hands with him since Milly Bishop, his first real girlfriend, and that was going on twenty-five years ago now. Hand-holding had never much interested him. After all, hands could be holding more interesting things than each other when it came to a man touching a woman; rounder, softer things. The only time he ever had call to hold a whore's hand was when he was pressing her down into the mattress.

River's skin was milk white against his dark, careworn hands. It made him all manner of uncomfortable, feeling her smooth, silky palm pressed flush against his calloused one. "Uh... who?" he asked. His throat was dry; that was the only reason he sounded so husky.

"Simon," she murmured, staring at their joined hands. "Captain Mal. The others. We scare them."

"There ain't no we, Little Girl." Jayne shifted uncomfortably, but she didn't let go of his hand.

Dark brown eyes found his in the dark, and she looked immeasurably sad. "Yes," she persisted, squeezing his hand. "There is."

"Look, I'm in here cuz nobody wanted to see you rippin' yourself up, right?" he reminded her. "Ain't nothin' more'n that." With a firm shake of his hand, he freed his wrist.

Turned out that was a bad move, because with both hands free she was able to reach up and cradle his face between her palms. He could smell the scent of peaches, warm and girly, on her wrists. "You have to remember me," she pleaded, words tumbling over themselves like water off a cliff. "You cannot forget. If you forget then she will forget, and the demons will come back. They think she does not need you but she does. She still does. She will always. Distance makes the heart grow fonder but the knees go weak, and she will fall without you!"

The girl was shaking like a leaf on a tree. "Hey hey, calm it down," Jayne muttered, disconcerted, reaching up to take her wrists and tug her hands down. Blessedly he hadn't had to do much comforting during their stint together – usually his presence sufficed – but that left him woefully unprepared on how to handle her if she got into one of her fits. "Ain't no one said nothin' to me 'bout movin' outta your room, _dong ma?_ So till they do, you can just calm down and quit gettin' yer knickers in a twist." Letting go of her hands, he settled back into his hammock. "Now shoo yourself back to bed and let a body rest. Go on, git."

He closed his eyes and refused to open them, even though he knew the girl wasn't moving. He could feel her standing there, staring down at him. Eyes all brown and wet. Mouth all chapped and pouty. Probably ringing those tiny hands of hers, toying with her own fingers, nibbling on her lower lip, getting ready to start bawling...

The edge of the hammock tilted and his eyes shot open to see River climbing on beside him. "_Wo de ma_, what d'ye think yer doin', Girl!" he yelped, scrambling to move away from her.

"Last nights should always be spent in a loved one's arms," she said mournfully, as if that made any damn sense. To his horror, the hammock wrapped around them, forcing the girl to crawl onto his body until she was curled up on his chest, her face tucked into his throat.

"Gorrammit, girl!" he barked, spitting out a mouthful of her hair. "Geroff me!"

"When I was sent to the Academy, I spent a week alone on a transport," she murmured against his collarbone. She obviously wasn't planning on moving anytime soon, so Jayne tried to remain stubbornly motionless. "Mother and father were engaged elsewhere, and Simon was in school. I was given two kisses – one on each cheek – and a small billfold with enough currency to last the journey. It was divided into days of the week, with a certain number of credits earmarked for food, necessities, and frivolities. The frivolities budget was very small – my parents did not believe in trinkets."

Despite his better judgment, Jayne found himself listening to her. River's voice was trancelike, which was itself hypnotic. He tried to picture what she must have looked like as a little girl; well, all right, a _littler_ girl. All he got was an image of a pair of big brown eyes over another pair of knobbly knees, and long, unruly hair. Or no, not unruly. Her parents would've had maids and the like to keep it in line. It was probably real sleek and soft and grown-up, even for a little thing like her. She was probably a pretty girl.

A scowl rippled across his face. What kind of stupid _hun dan_ parents let a pretty little girl go alone on a transport? Didn't they know bad stuff happened to sweet young things in the big Black?

"They would not have thought that way," she mumbled against his neck, reminding him for the millionth time that she could read his mind. "They believed that money buys security. Sometimes my parents could be right. The transport was safe. The bad things came after."

She sighed, relaxing on top of him, her slim body covering him up like a blanket. She was straddling his waist, her warm, dark hair draped across his shoulders. It wasn't entirely uncomfortable, really. The boat could get pretty chilly at night, when Kaylee spooled the engines down and they chugged through space under their own inertia. It was sorta nice having something warm to hold onto, even if it was a crazy kind of warm.

"I bought a box of maple candy." His ears perked up. She was talking again. "Processed sugar is bad for the teeth, but I was going away to school and felt rebellious. The transport was a luxury vessel; it had a little gift store. I bought a box of maple candy, and it was a big box; two layers of sugary sweetness separated by wax paper. Each one had a little sun imprinted on the top, because it was made by Blue Sun and they believed in logo endorsement. I remember the first one I ate. It tasted like winter and autumn.

"I bought a box of maple candy, and everyday I ate two pieces. One in the morning just after breakfast, and one after dinner for my dessert. I had my own cabin with my own little safe, and I kept the box there so the staff wouldn't find it. It was my first secret, my box of maple candy. Mother taught us not to keep secrets, but I was going away to school and felt rebellious. I decided I would save two pieces and send them home to Simon, so he could have a secret, too. But then I changed my mind and decided I'd eat _four_ pieces on my last day on the transport. I'd gobble them all down like a greedy little girl, and I wouldn't brush my teeth afterwards. I was going to be a Very Naughty Girl. Mother always capitalized the words in her head whenever she had call to say them to me; I could hear it in the way she pronounced the V. Sometimes I believe she thought that was my name, and that she hadn't named me something as frivolous as River.

"My last day on the transport, I gorged myself on maple candy. I made myself sick, but I didn't care. _I_ made _myself_ sick. I was a little guerrilla rebel and my mode of attack was tooth decay. As we were unloading into the spaceport, I had call to walk past the gift store.

"So I bought a box of maple candy."

The girl's voice was still soft and dreamlike, but Jayne wasn't feeling so hypnotized anymore. There was a faint tension building in her body, as if they were drifting down a lazy stream, steadily approaching a hundred foot waterfall with no tributaries and no shore in sight.

"I was going to keep it a secret, too," she murmured, utterly motionless but for her mouth. "I thought it would be fun, a secret at school. It would give me a little danger, a little mystique. I wouldn't be the genius at the Academy, because all the children at the Academy were geniuses. But I could be the Girl with the Secret, and that was something special. I'd always been something special to someone; I didn't see reason to change.

"My dormitory room was small, clean, and concise, and I unpacked quickly. A place for each and every thing and everything in its place. I made sure to tuck my maple candy under my pillow where it would be safe. Then it was time for roll call, and greetings, and long, lofty speeches by men with lined faces and wet, rubbery lips. We played games at our tables and I made friends that day: Geminine, Adrian, Paul. They were all smart, but I was smarter. I won at every game, and I didn't even cheat." She sighed, and Jayne felt something warm and wet pool in the hollow of his throat.

She was crying.

"When dinner was over we all raced back to our rooms, because classes started up the next day and everyone was excited to learn. It was like Christmas, but with textbooks. And I remember scurrying into my room and locking the door, and jumping on my bed because there was no one there to stop me. And I remember sitting down and looking around and feeling like I belonged. And I remember giggling and being covert and tucking my hand up under my pillow for a piece of maple candy."

She turned her head then, pressing her face into his throat, her lips against his jugular, and he could feel her smaller body quivering.

"They took it," she whimpered, shaking her head faintly. "They took her box of maple candy, and left a note of Warning. They said she was on probation, and that outside food was only allowed after passing through the proper channels."

Now she was shaking, honestly shaking, and her ribs were expanding and compressing with each desperate breath. "Probation! She had never been on probation! She was terrified they would send her home, tail between her legs and shamed for life! She could not sleep that night. She did not know how they had known; she did not care to ask. She was first at class the very next day, because isn't River a proper student? She was first at class everyday, because River was not a Very Naughty Girl; not really. She was the best pupil, the brightest mind. She would make them understand that she should stay; that they must not send her home. It had been a temporary lapse of judgment; she wouldn't have more secrets. She belonged! She didn't want to go home, she wanted to stay! And she worked and worked and excelled at everything, and she became their model student. They said she was their best ever.

"She wrote a letter to Simon, telling him that. It was the last letter she wrote where she meant every word."

A shudder worked down her spine as her small hands clutched the fabric of his t-shirt. Jayne didn't know what to do or say, so he didn't do or say anything. He didn't think she was done anyway.

"She was damned by maple candy," she whispered, voice thick with tears. "It made her want to be the best." A soft moan of fear ebbed past her lips. "I wish she'd bought two boxes. Then they might have sent her home."

Silence fell between them, and Jayne realized he hadn't said a word this entire time. The girl'd been spilling her guts out to him, and normally that didn't sit well on his mind, but he didn't have the gumption to make her stop. Not this time. It sounded like she'd been wanting to tell all that to someone for a mighty long time; sort of like how she'd wanted to tell the 'verse about Miranda but hadn't been able to. Maybe she'd be even less crazy now.

"Don't think they'd have sent you home, Girl," he murmured into her hair. "The way they been lookin' for you since you run off, think they had their eye on you all along."

River shook her head faintly against his neck. "She does not know," she murmured. "And it is the not knowing that is worse than the knowing everything."

Silence fell again, and this time Jayne didn't feel inclined to break it. River seemed calmer now that she'd told her story, and judging by her breathing, she was close to drifting off. "Girl?" he whispered, wincing at how loud his voice sounded in the quiet room.

"Jayne?" she mumbled.

"Why'd you tell me all that?"

River sighed and snuggled down on top of him. "Because I would have been less scared that night if I'd had someone to hug," she murmured.

"Oh." Seemed like an awful lot to go through, just to make a point. But then the girl's brain wasn't wired like a normal person's. Girl's brain wasn't wired, period; that was part of the problem.

"Jayne?"

"Huh? What?" Her sleepy voice was distracting.

"I will miss you when you go."

Jayne sighed. "Girl-"

"Goodnight, Jayne."

Well, that was finality if ever he heard it. "Night, Girl," he muttered, closing his eyes. The scent of peaches was strong and sweet, and he wondered if it was deliberate. Maple candy may have tasted like autumn and winter, but when it came to tasting summertime, you couldn't beat a peach.

_TBC..._


End file.
